ReviewMaster Haha – Aisha!

Cut to a small school in the rural village of Delhi, in a run-of-the-mill-opulent classroom.

Masterji: Children - match the following. Come on!

Column A – Males

1. Loaded, social misfit with all the charms of a donkey in heat
2. Fashionably balding, oh-so-sensitive, bordering on feminine, guy (Also loaded!)
3. Hunk straight out of a magazine centre spread (Looks loaded!)
4. The odd BPO guy (This guy is not loaded!)

Column B – Females

1. Fashionable, social butterfly, bordering on arrogant, girl (Loaded – you get the picture!)
2. Size zero hottie straight out of … a movie, perhaps!
3. Misguided, naïve, small town girl with small town aspirations
4. Loaded, Social Miss-fit and appendage to Female # 1

Masterji: Now children, match the above and tell me the answer.

Students: Masterji, Masterji, the answer is: a-4, b-1, c-2 and d-3.

Masterji: Excellent, But if you have gotten it wrong like the director of Aisha, Rajshree Ojha, then you better go back and revise your Mills and Boons!

This is exactly what RO (Rajshree Ojha and not Reverse Osmosis) did or did not do. Painful, especially when the audience has to sit though all possible incorrect combinations of the “Match the following”.

I mean combinations like a-1. Why? That was never going to work. We know that. Or b-3 and a-3. Those were particularly jarring ones. Gosh!

However, there are a few positives from the movie. The music is fantabulous, which begs the question – why couldn’t RO release just the music album? Ok, just one positive, I can’t think of any more!

ReviewMaster Haha!

(If you feel this ending was abrupt – try seeing Aisha!)

Quips on the Go!

MPs have announced a pay hike for themselves. They have also asked that 1000 Crores of scandal-related-income be tax exempted. Where is the logic in taxing tax-payers’ money they ask.

Votes for Rajya Sabha candidates are going cheap. JMM is quoting Rs. 1 Crore per vote while BJP is slightly cheaper at Rs. 50 Lakhs + a car! You may want to pick up a couple of votes before inflation strikes. (As you can see I don’t have the fancy Re. symbol yet!)

Kalmadi is facing the music for taking the ‘Commonwealth’ Games literally. He must have felt it was common practice to siphon off the wealth, from the games. Silly mistake, can we worry about things like vegetables now?

Speaking of food, a collection of very, very rich, well fed, MPs are debating the issue of price-rise in Parliament. Increase in levels of debate, decreases inflation through release of hot air.

Also, 400 students were recently held up and arrested for Partying. This is a serious crime, if you do not take a gazillion permissions, no-objection-certificates and permits from an equal number of Government agencies. So start planning for your 50^th anniversary now!

In other related news, the Indian Government has announced that it will set up a National Commission for Boring Societies, which will present recommendations on how to reduce parties and party related crimes (Political parties exempted!).

The mother of Scarlett Keeling fears that she could be murdered by the Goa Minister’s nexus of crime. Which came as something of an extreme shock to the people of this country; people who have a hard time imagining that crime and politics could go hand-in-hand. 

I Luv Hate Storys!

The recent Imran Khan hit, Bollywood blockbuster, has been tanked by critics. But despite that the movie has been a runaway success, so much so that top actors like Katrina and Priyanka are now vying for roles alongside our hip and happening, Imran Khan. Who it seems, was on the verge of being plucked out after Luck proved unlucky!

On IMDB, IHLS has 5.3 stars.

This critic has given the movie 3 out of 5 stars without saying a good word about the movie. Every other newspaper critic literally said the same thing.

But, (there is always a ‘but’ coming) most critics and viewers have missed the layer of duality that was woven in (might I say perfectly) with the plot. In fact, it was done all too well. I realized it, and henceforth, I will make it my mission to spread the message embedded in the movie!

Jay Dhingra (Or some totally not-so-gay name of that sorts!) is this irresistible brat, who unknowingly works his charms on Simran, a die-hard romantic and a colleague. And they live happily ever after. In short that is the story.

But on deeper introspection you realize, that there is a layer of complexity hidden beneath this misleading simplicity. All through the movie, the director ridicules the Yash Raj brand of romance. The usual, dupatta-in-the-wind, pink dresses, sarson da khet, guitars and caps, misty-eyed looks, candy floss and other sugary stuff. And, suddenly, lo and behold, the director does a volte-face and does exactly the same general stuff. The same usual, sad songs, teary heroines, tough decisions ('Luv' related mind you!), proposals on bended knee, flowers, pink sarees, chocolates and other miscellaneous sugary stuff.

Was he (The director – Punit Malhotra) really mocking the sugar-coated romance? Or not? He critiques and vociferously supports the same brand of Yash Raj romance. Nice.

A lot of critics and viewers naturally missed this layer of complexity and termed the movie as rubbish! But it wasn’t. It explores the philosophy and mysticism of duality, in the way the human mind perceives complex emotions; with equal measures of like and dislike, good and bad, yin and yang, night and day… (Not to be confused with ‘Knight and Day’ – which is another gem BTW!)

PS: Inception may have borrowed heavily from this movie!

Man v/s Food

What attracted my attention this week was a new reality-TV show on “Discovery Travel and Living” by the name “Man v/s Food”. We all wish we could hog on all the artery-clogging, heart-busting, greasy fried food and yet have a clean lipid profile. But that is not the way God designed it all. Shucks!

Help is at hand though. This TV show caters to your innermost food fetishes! The host holds the record for the biggest human stomach, well he must, since he puts away, literally truckloads of food with ease. The amount he consumes will put any 3^rd world country to shame!

America is dotted with food joints that have a challenge item on the menu. Adam, the host, devours these ginormous helpings as a part of the challenge! By most standards even the normal helpings are a challenge to most people, if not Asians. Challenge items can feed a small family, for a week! This is the scale we are talking about.

The challenge starts will Adam sitting behind a mountain of meat (This is no place for a vegetarian to be!), barely visible, smacking his lips and limbering up his esophagus! Adam begins by thrusting a bucket-load of food down his neck. By the end of the hour Adam would have devoured a goat or the better part of a large cow with a side order of a vegetable garden!

If you are still watching you can’t help but imagine the kind of strain this puts on the city’s sewage system the next morning. Heck, I dare not imagine the strain Adam puts on his lower orifices when he unloads it all. A mud volcano comes to mind! Holy Shit! (I need some time to purge that image from my frontal lobe!)

Bleeding-edge Politics!

We here at the Morning Haha know that our attempts at humor bring tears to even the most hardened of war-criminals. Nevertheless, we do believe that it is the ‘attempt’ that matters. Success still eludes us, but we keep trying. Maybe, a change in strategy is what we need.

A change in strategy is exactly what helped Mamata Banerjee achieve her objectives. Tears are the nuclear weapon of human emotions. As Mr. Pranab Mukherjee (and men from around the world, including the Arctic) will most definitely attest to, the moment the mushroom cloud of tears erupts, logic, rationality, good-and-bad, right-and-wrong are the first victims to be decimated. Resources, history, precedence and planning die of radiation fallout. Eventually a nuclear winter sets in.

These bleeding-edge techniques have usually been confined to the domestic scene. This is probably the first time in recent history that this weapon has been deployed in the political landscape.

Our political pundits agree that this may soon become a weapon of choice for the politically inclined. We predict that we will soon see tears being employed in courts, parliaments, TV studios (Wait! We already have that!), processions and legislative assemblies. This is just the beginning. Sobb Sobb.

Quips on the go!

President Zardari had a $60 Million embarrassment recently. Which was his third most embarrassing moment; after his $100 Million and $200 Million embarrassments!

According to this news report, terrorists have sneaked into India. Authorities are looking for Pashtoons and Afghans. While that may be a good idea, they may also want to look at people carrying AK-47s, grenades and howitzers!

Sources have revealed Tiger Woods’ 14^th mistress! In other related news the Tiger signed hefty sponsorship deals with Play-Boy, Hole-in-One, The Birdie and the Bunny, Strokes under par and Iron Drive, all pro-golfer magazines!

Abu Dhabi has given Dubai $10 Billion in a surprise bailout package! Who was it that said Santa Claus did not exist?

The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face with a bronze statue! Shoes, as a sign of protest, have become passé now! What next, the kitchen sink?

Scientists have recently found that even fire-flies can get addicted to alcohol. Fireflies are now swarming to local bars and pubs, companies are rushing to create special beers for fireflies, sales are up, all in all there is a new buzz in town!

There are 2 days left and prospects don’t look bright for Copenhagen. Roland Emmerich, the director of 2012, took this opportunity to announce his new movie, 2013, a sequel to 2012. At least this was good news to someone!

Dead on Arrival!

Dedicated to the millions of hapless WinMo users.

If you have a smartphone running a version of Windows Mobile 6.5 or earlier, you already know about the 10 (give or take a few) applications that make up for the entire ecosystem. iPhone users may have access to a billion applications. Good luck trying to download them all. Hah; problem of plenty. We are, oh so happy with the 10 or so apps.

In what can only be termed as a superhuman effort, Microsoft launched its own appstore called Windows Marketplace for Mobiles with a collection of (hold your breath) 800 apps. Now we have a problem of plenty. Well you may think that it is a start, if not anything else. But there is a minor catch! Only a teeny-weeny one!

The marketplace does not work for Windows Mobile 6.1 or 6.0. I don’t know if it does for 6.5. Even though Microsoft says it does. Webshot below! Good news my posterior end!

I tried accessing the marketplace and was cheerily greeted with the message “Loading…” eternally. After which my phone hangs – much like our beloved windows desktops.

This can mean 2 things. The geniuses at Redmond haven’t heard of the term ‘testing’. Or they got this project outsourced to a national park in Congo, to a team of extremely hairy 300-pound-gentlemen and women.

Screenshot of the path-broken marketplace!

I have this incredible urge to go and break something. Ciao!

Global auto giant infringes on the Professor’s Patents!

Protest! I take strong exception to this blatant infringement of something that has been legally published, claimed and patented by the esteemed Professor way back in 1958. By professor Calculus in Tintin’s adventure in the Red Sea! If you are thinking “Oh him, he is not a real person!” you have got another ‘think’ coming! Blistering Barnacles!


Here (You can visit this link later) is the link to Nissan’s idea of personal transportation in the future! Note the uncanny resemblance to the Professor’s invention featured below as well!

Photo Courtesy here and here.

Legal eagles will note that what Nissan proposes is at best a crude, boxy imitation of the Professor’s sleek, aerodynamic design. They will also note the design similarities, while Nissan has an inflexible control stick; the Professor had thoughtfully included a flexible control stem to help with maneuverability and balance. Surely these design changes will be implemented in Nissan’s next prototype.

The professor will be turning in his grave to see his invention being copy-pasted like this! What has the world come to these days! I was worried about global warming for a moment there.

Life Partner - The reluctant review!

Spoiler Warning – If you have spent hard earned money to see this movie, I would call you the 2^nd most dumb person on this planet. Dumbest being, yours truly, who spent to watch this atrocity and is now blogging about it. If you haven’t seen this, I would urge you read this post instead! All plot bumps and potholes have been revealed.

Like the movie, let me do a bit of character development.

Hero #1: Vertically challenged, dark and effeminate star kid; he plays the role of an orthodox Gujarati boy, whose objective in life is to get married. You admire the single mindedness of this character. We movie goers usually think about a couple of other things, like breathing and eating, not this bloke.

Dysfunctional Dad: An uber-othrodox Gujarati and dad of Hero #1, he maintains a strict regime of oily hair-dos and oilier breakfast in his family. Streaks of Utpal Dutt from Golmaal appear in this character, in the way he protects his manliness, aka his moustache.

Hero #2: Not vertically challenged, not dark and effeminate star kid; he plays the role of a banker, who drives a Maserati convertible and gets promotions on a daily basis without working.

Hero #3: Actor-turned-MP-turned-Actor, fighting the battle of the bulge, double-chins, dark-circles and other thingamajigs, plays the role of a Super - Divorce Lawyer. He usually does song and dance routines, when he is not peddling divorces.

Now onto the story! For the first time in history of blogging has any blogger gone so far, revealing the entire story of a movie. Hold your breath!

Act I – Opens with Hero #2 driving his Maserati on an airport runway. In the car are his girlfriend and Hero #1.

Hero #2: Let’s overtake this plane so that I can kiss my girlfriend!

Hero #1: Don’t you have office tomorrow?

Hero #2: No, they gave me a promotion. (Song and Dance follows).

Hero #1: Then let’s go to Gujarat and get married?

Hero #2: Ok. (Marriages, more songs and dances follow)

Act II – Opens with Dysfunctional Dad reprimanding his daughter-in-law for commenting on a stock price.

Dysfunctional Dad: So what, if you have a degree from IIM Ahmedabad? Waiters here in Cape Town have degrees from IIM Ahmedabad. (Score: Life Partner 1; IIM A: 0)

Wife of Hero #1: Do not insult my father! (Hero #1 promptly gives her one-tight-slap!)

Hero #2 to his wife: I am sick of doing all the donkey-work, washing clothes and cleaning potties! Why don’t you do something?

Wife of Hero #2: Who does all the partying around here? Hah? Who? Answer that!

Hero #3: I can see business coming my way! (Divorces, sad songs and item numbers follow)

Act III – Opens with Hero #3 getting married. Please refer to item number for Hero #3’s love story.

Wife of Hero #2: I will blow everyone here at this marriage party. (With a bomb strapped to her, of course!)

Dysfunctional Dad: My eyes are opened, forgive me son (Hero #1)!

Hero #1 to his wife: Quick marry me before she blows us up! (Wife from IIM A agrees!) (Score: Life Partner 2; IIM A: 0)

Hero #2 to his wife (Who is threatening to blow everyone!): Ok I will do the donkey-work! (Wife drops the bomb and marries Hero #2!)

The End!

You can start breathing now!

More Quips on the go!

President Musharraf has admitted to ISI’s links with the terrorists. Now that he is no longer consequential this did not become a news item!

I did not quite get this article. I mean is it trying to say that the newly elected and married MP does not have time to go on a honeymoon OR is it saying their 5-year honeymoon starts now?

Sheetal Mafatlal has been detained for carrying a Crore’s worth of undeclared diamonds. Officials became suspicious when all the other passengers on the flight were wearing shades, that too in the middle of the night!

It’s raining laptops in Tamil Nadu now. Cut to 2050. It will be raining luxury yachts and private jets. I am settling in Chennai. Who cares for actual rain!

Apple just launched the iPhone 3GS. It has a whole new set of drool-worthy features. Those who just bought the iPhone 3G, try not to punch a wall or something.

Apple also reduced the prices of the old 3G iPhone model to $99. Consumers in India will be able to buy one from Airtel or Vodafone at $600. Consumers in India, try not to punch a wall or something!

Australia knocked out of the T20 World Cup. Ricky Ponting will captain Kolkata Knight Riders in IPL 3. I am sure Kolkata Knight Riders will do better in IPL 3. I may be an optimist, but I am definitely not mad!

iPod winning post!

The following article won me an iPod in a contest ...

Long Post ...

Are winters becoming extinct? Or am I the only one thinking of that? That smart turtleneck sweater, that black leather jacket and not forgetting the thick, heavy quilt; all of these have been lying unused for ages now.

Argument: If winters are the same as it were, say 15 to 20 years back, then why did I require these things in the first place? It is smack bang in the middle of January, and I still need the air conditioner while at home or office or in my car. I don’t recall that being the case 15 years back. That’s when the sweater, jacket and quilt all came in use.

Let me slide into what would be a more scientific construct than smelly woolens.

Is the Earth truly warming up?

Yes.

CO₂, which is one of the many green houses gases, has increased from 250 ppm (parts per million), during the pre-industrial levels, to 400 ppm. This has been termed ‘anthropogenic green house gas emissions’. In other words we have helped nearly double the CO2 concentration in the atmosphere. Models are ineffective in predicting what final increase in average temperature it will have. But it is an established fact that, there will be an effect, most likely a warming. How much? We can’t say!

According to public domain data, the average surface temperatures have increased by 0.48 °C. It is a lot. The averages are spread over the entire surface of the earth. That is a lot of area and the increases are spread thin. Average temperature increases in cities (also termed as the Urban Heat Island^# effect) will probably be in multiples of 1°C. Is this an effect of increase in CO₂ levels? Yes.

It is now an established fact that majority of the glaciers are receding, trees are migrating northwards (as lower latitudes become warmer), Jelly fish populations are exploding (Jelly fishes thrive in warmer waters), migratory birds are changing migration patterns, grass has been found to be growing in Antarctica, the Ross Ice Shelf is crumbling, the Arctic ocean may be soon be navigable in summer, the last 10 years have been the hottest in recorded history … the list IS endless.

Ok am scared stiff, now what?

If you are thinking global catastrophes, ice ages, earthquakes, wildfires, freak weather and more recession, you are on the right track … let’s put it this way: You walk into a multiplex and the only three movies being screened there are ‘RGV ki Aag’, ‘Drona’ and ‘Chandani Chowk to Chinchwad’. A disaster of epic proportions, right?

The imagery is disturbing!

However, the Gaia Hypothesis*, proposed by James Lovelock, says that the Earth has an internal self-regulating mechanism to maintain equilibrium. In my (layman’s) terms, the Earth will find a way to reduce global temperatures.

Hurrah! We are saved! Let’s go burn some fossil fuels!

Hold on to your engines! The Gaia hypothesis also says that the increased human intervention will result in the planet not being able to regulate itself efficiently. This will result in the Sahara Desert extending to Paris by 2040, droughts and famines will significantly reduce human population and the tropics would be as live-able as the inside of a blast furnace. And no, it won’t be turned off.

Oh Blimey!

But it’s only a hypothesis. There is a certain probability that all of this does not happen as early as 2040. If people decide to take the initiative to reduce emissions, maybe we can delay the inevitable. We can all do our bit to control carbon emissions. We could all use less energy, conserve and recycle; maybe we will still be able to visit Paris in 2040.

Any takers for my old quilt, by the way?

Shubhadeep Dhar

References & Notes

* Gaia Hypothesis: Originally proposed by James Lovelock as the earth feedback hypothesis, [1] it was named—at the suggestion of his neighbor William Golding—the Gaia Hypothesis, after the Greek supreme goddess of Earth. [2] The hypothesis is frequently described as viewing the Earth as a single organism. Lovelock and other supporters of the idea now regard it as a scientific theory, not merely a hypothesis, since they believe it has passed predictive tests. [3]

[1] Lovelock, James (2001), "Homage to Gaia: The Life of an Independent Scientist", (Oxford University Press)

[2] http://www.ecolo.org/lovelock/lovelock-online_chat-00.htm

[3] Lovelock, James (2007), "The Revenge of Gaia: Earth's Climate Crisis & the Fate of Humanity" (Basic Books)

# An urban heat island (UHI) is a metropolitan area which is significantly warmer than its surrounding rural areas. The temperature difference usually is larger at night than during the day and larger in winter than in summer, and is most apparent when winds are weak. The main cause of the urban heat island is modification of the land surface by urban development; waste heat generated by energy usage is a secondary contributor.

Quips on the go!

Angelina Jolie wants to adopt an Indian child. Me me me! Okay, my hairline is receding, so what! Me me me!

Mamata Banerjee wants to turn Kolkata into London or vice versa. Please be serious. Jaguar and Land Rover better watch out if you have set up a plant on fertile land!

Here is a link to the best job in the world. In other related news smug your-job-sucks-mine-doesn’t grins have been rendered redundant.

Here is an article on how you can use an iPod to make calls. Then again calling from an iPhone is way cooler than talking to your mp3 player.

Sahara has sued Jet Airways for non-payment of their yearly installment of a gazillion crores. What happened to the good old “Recovery agent”? Man I miss the old days!

Airtel is officially the most congested network. Duh!

GM plans to launch a ‘mini car’ in a last ditch effort to save itself! I have heard that West Bengal offers great investment opportunities for automobile companies.

March has produced a lot of failures at the Box Office. Producers, we are just not in the mood to watch movies you know with the recession and heat and stuff.

Reality TV to the rescue?

Elections. Dance of Democracy. A nation gets ready to vote its next set of rulers. But can we take democracy to the next level? Can we marry democracy to the virtues of capitalism? I will wait for you to get back onto your chair.

How about having a reality show which allows the nation to vote for one Lok Sabha seat from each state (For starters!)? And no this won’t be a song and dance routine though I know many of you would have liked it. We could have an elite panel of judges comprising of former presidents, prime ministers, law makers, leaders, academics and intellectuals choosing the best of candidates applying from a state.

Channels would be asked to bid for hosting the entire show and in return get broadcast rights and advertising revenues. It could even be called “Dance of Democracy” or “Indian Neta” … nah too corny. I would like it to be hosted by Arun Jaitley or Kapil Sibal (unless they are contestants too!). This could even help recover some of the gargantuan expenses we have every time we have an election.

The process could be rigorous. Contestants would have to present their views on Development, Infrastructure, Economy, Human Rights and Security in the ‘Speech-contest’ section. There could be debates on rural upliftment, fiscal deficit, exports … Boy there could be a lot. Leaders would have to tell the nation how they want to take their state and nation forward. Negative marks will be given for “Promises”!

Voting could be on the basis of judges’ marks and SMSes in true reality TV fashion. To vote for Mr. G K Knowledge please send a sms ‘VOTE 3645’ to 123321. We could even throw in a couple of Judge-tantrums and glycerin-tears to jack up the TRPs. A TV show like this would pull viewership from the neighboring planets!

But apart from the TV bosses building Scrooge McDuck vaults, it would probably be a true democratic election with the entire state choosing their favorite candidate from amongst the millions. Much better than the current process where you get to choose between Mr. Jailed Swamy and Mr. Mafia Sarkar.

Think about it. Maybe 50 years down the line this is how elections will be fought. Am I a visionary or what?

A message in Public Interest!

An article in the Sakaal Times this morning, on the police imposing fines for driving without a seat belt brings up a very important, albeit frustrating, point. Yesterday, I was at a crossing in Pune where I saw people being fined for driving without seat belts on. Yet the same policemen allowed two-wheeler drivers without helmets to go free. This incident reeks of discrimination and has unfair written all over it in font size 200. 

In the article the correspondent asks if it is logical to impose a fine on not wearing seat belts when not wearing helmets (which is definitely more serious) is overlooked. Accepted this stinks of discrimination, but is in no way wrong, legally or otherwise. 

Haha. The article also goes on to question the validity of the law. In a city where average speeds do not exceed 25 – 30 kmph, it asks, what use is a seat belt? It may be useful in cities (like Delhi or Mumbai) where speeds can exceed 80 – 100 kmph. It may be useful to check for seatbelts on expressways or highways. Not here. 

This is a very serious concern. It is this very attitude of questioning laws that has prompted drivers from not wearing helmets or seat belts. They think “Why should I wear a helmet when I am Valentino Rossi’s cousin twice removed” or “Compared to me Schumacher is co-ordination challenged hobo on a tractor!” 

These laws have been mandated not just in India but across the world for a reason. Even if we have 2 PhDs in neuroscience, we should not be questioning the validity of laws that are put in place by lawmakers. These laws are meant for our safety. 

Now let’s look at a logical construct at why seatbelts are required at all speeds. Countering the argument “Seatbelts are not required when speeds are low”. 

Let me elaborate. 

• What if you are driving at 30 kmph and are involved in a head on collision with a 10 tonne truck driving at 30 kmph. You will realize that, with belts, maybe you can escape with a whiplash injury. Without belts, severe concussions, fractures and a face that will look like a Ramsay brother’s movie prop. 
  
• What if you are standing still at a crossing, (According to your logic, it is even safe to remove your seat belts) and you are rammed by a truck from behind. Same consequences. 
  
• Seatbelts are extremely useful at preventing minor injuries and even deaths in low speed collisions. Especially if there are women, elderly or children in the car. 
  

You might have gotten the drift by now. I accept the current drive by the authorities is discriminatory, but nevertheless absolutely necessary. Do not forget to wear helmets, seatbelts and clothes.

MYOB

This was what one of my class teachers used to write on someone’s forehead, especially those who we would call ‘tattlers’. MYOB stands for ‘Mind your own business’. 

And ‘tattlers’ were an exceptionally irritating breed of elementary school inmates who would rather peek into what someone else was doing than minding their own business. And the moment someone in the classroom erred away from the dictums of elementary schools, a tattler would stand up and say ‘Teacher, teacher … He is not using a red Nataraj HB pencil”. 

And promptly my class teacher would brand ‘MYOB’ on the tattler’s forehead! Justice was swift. Alas not all class teachers were like that, especially those who, I fear, were ‘tattlers’ themselves. 

I wonder what has happened to that breed. Are they still lurking around only to jump at the opportune moment? Or have they become elementary school teachers? 

They are living in our midst. They still poke their noses into what is essentially not their business. Mind you, detectives and law enforcement personnel are not tattlers at all; they poke their nose in what is very much their business. I am talking more like over-weight neighborhood aunties, who think peeping is next to Godliness. Or, the short, dark, shifty uncle who is the head of your co-operative society. Well, we all know them, and have come to accept them as a part of our society! After all, these are the elements that make for a colorful society (Co-operative or otherwise!). 

Haha, but when I come across articles like this, I am forced to say to Matthew Parris - MYOB! He is essentially poking his nose into what is not his business! Tintin comics are not intended for people with hormone-infested-brains! So we should leave the character analysis to those who are qualified to do the job; i.e. elementary school students. 

Matthew Parris (and many other like him) has essentially applied the ‘gay’ stereotype to a comic character, found similarities, and hence the conclusion that ‘Tintin is gay’. By the same logic I could apply the ‘comic’ stereotype to gay people (It has been done in numerous movies) and conclude that ‘Gay people are comical’. Funny?

House of Horrors!

If you like little girls who haven’t shampooed in months, chain-saws gone wild, severed limbs (moving or otherwise) and lots of ketchup, then here is a list of the best, the ‘caviar’ of horror flicks! Do not watch these movies if you are

1. Pregnant

2. Over 60 or below 10 years of age

3. Have a heart ailment

4. ‘The Cinderella Man’- kind 

Now that I have gotten the warnings out of the way. Let’s get dirty! 

#5: Saw series:  I know it is technically not a movie. But with 5 parts to this ketchup franchise, it forces a mention. People are forced to hack away a limb in order to save themselves, only to be killed later. Nice. 

#4: Blair Witch Project: Very ingenious. The concept and the ‘first-person-narrative’ adds to the horror. Its strength is that it is believable. If you thought this was scariest you ever saw, then you have another ‘think’ coming! 

#3. The Descent: Top notch production values. This movie will make you claustrophobic if you are not one. You heave a sigh of relief when it ends. Only to be surprised again! 

#2: 1408: This movie has a great cast, acting, and a storyline that keeps you guessing. Best thing to happen to a hotel-in-a-horror-movie since Psycho. Watch this one at your own risk! 

#1: Hostel: Keep your spare pacemaker handy. Don’t do this one alone! Set in an ex-Soviet bloc run down city, with a story that makes werewolves look like teddy-bears, this is the gold-standard of horror currency! Beware!

Others worth a mention:

• Wrong Turn 1 & 2
  
• Hills have eyes 1 & 2
  
• Wolf Creek
  
• Hostel 2
  
• House of Wax
  
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
  
• The Grudge
  
• Mirrors

Arrests not mandatory now! – What, come again?

Criminals rejoice! This is the Government of India’s new-year gift to the world of outlaws! No longer are arrests mandatory for crimes that that have a maximum penalty of 7 years or less. Now this is stupendous! In the wake of 26/11 I was under the impression that laws would be tightened! Link. 

Haha. Double Haha! Quoting Harry from the movie “Dumb and Dumber”: “Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself!” 

This was after Llyod exchanges their van, modified to look like a sheep-dog, with a juvenile scooter. Well the GoI has done something just as brilliant and redeemed themselves! 

With this solar-system changing law in place, police chases just became obsolete. (Movies will now be a whole lot more boring!) Now the criminals don’t need to run after committing a crime! They can flag an auto, say tata-bye-bye police uncle, take care, and go and relax at home. Crime is after all a stressful profession. 

I can visualize the following crime scene now … 

Pappu-pager, strolling out of a local bank after robbing it of a couple of lakhs. 2 police jeeps from World War II skid to a stop right next to him. A young dashing, pot bellied inspector, jumps out. 

Inspector Dayaram: “Police ne building to charo taraf se gher liya hai, Aapne aap ko kanoon ke hawale kar do. Apne hathiyaar phenk do!" 

Pappu-pager: “Hathiyaar?” (Throws down his pager) 

Inspector Dayaram (voice trembling): “Ruko, nahi to main goli chala dunga” 

Pappu-pager: “Haan haan ok, ruk jata hoon, tension maat lo. Kya hai? Kaiko khali pili ka hungama karta hai?” 

Inspector Dayaram: “Main tumko Dafa 393 (Robbery) ke tahet geraaftaar karta hoon” 

Pappu-pager (Picking up his pager): “Abbe bina internet ke PC, woh din gaye, chaal mere liye auto bula!” 

Havildaar Bhonduram whispering to Inspector Dayaram: “Saar, abhi abhi naya kanoon aya hai. Bole to ekdum latest. Geraftaar nahi kar sakte. ‘Notice of Appearance’ issue kijiye saarji” 

Inspector Dayaram: “Haan kya? Pappu – yeh lo tumhara ‘Notice of Appearance’. Thank you.” 

Pappu-pager: “Ok, ok, agli baar galti maat karma. Chal, chal auto bula” 

Inspector Dayaram: “Haan saar” Shouts to a nearby auto driver: “Aae auto, Chembur chalega kya?” 

Next Post: Top 5 reasons why this law was put in place! 

PS: Happy New Year!

Karzzzz - The nose job!

Major spoiler warning! 

Picture this. The Jurassic era - Dinosaurs lumbering around in a manicured clearing with towering Alpine mountains in the background. Nice sunny day with only a couple of T-Rex attacks predicted. Of the many dinosaur species – The Lambeosaurs evolve a bizarre nasal headgear to make mating calls. This tends to happen if you don’t have mobile networks. 

Cut to the 20^th century. Himesh Reshammiya (HR) is born in a movie called ‘Karzzzz’. And because of a government experiment gone haywire, he is grafted with genes from the Lambeosaurs, thus giving him a nuclear-powered nasal cavity. 

The movie starts with a Botox-injected Urmila planning to kill her husband, Dino-saur Moreo. Things go well (Not so well for Dino-saur Moreo though!) and Dino-saur Moreo is promptly dispatched to his maker. His sprawling estate passes onto Urmila and Sir Juda (More about him later). 

Cut to 25 years later. The great HR nose-dives his way to the top of the Rockdom. Indian women are swooning in large numbers at his concert in Cape Town. Apparently dinosaur mating calls have that effect. But all the nasal screeching has an unwelcome side-effect on HR. The potent sonic-waves re-boot his brain with Dino-saur Moreo’s memory. He starts to recall how the Botox overdose … err Urmila, poisoned Dino-saur’s life. 

HR has also, in the meantime, secured the liposucked Shweta Kumar’s affections. He then travels with her to Kenya to attend to his calling. No not that! His black-and-white flashbacks to Dino-saur Moreo’s extinction event. 

The scheming HR and his dino-sized sinus cavity woos the older Urmila with a series of nasal shrieks. (Read: Songs!) Urmila is no match for such powerful mating calls and black-and-white flashbacks. She falls prey, thinking HR to be a re-incarnated stalker. However, HR has worse in store for her. He reveals her evil plans to the world at a concert. 

Sir Juda, who had his arm eaten off by dinosaurs in the past, had gotten himself a Casio synthesizer for a prosthetic limb. He could now make sounds which only his evil henchmen could interpret. So armed with a synthesizer and a couple of ill-fated, half-baked evil plans he takes on the great HR. 

In this historic fight between a genetically modified HR and evil, HR attempts to subdue the Botox-powered Urmila by offering himself up for target practice. Gleefully, Urmila takes full advantage. But while HR is being converted into a human-dinosaur-hybrid-sieve plate, the 25-year-old Botox causes Urmila to freeze and lose control of her aircraft. She plunges to her death. 

Sir Juda armed with a good arm and a Casio synthesizer does not last long. No match. Although HR has sunlight filtering through him, he lives to sing another day.

Thus ends the worst nose-job in Bollywood’s history. Unlike that of Shilpa Shetty, this nose-job will have no positive impact on HR’s career.

Singur Matrimonials!

Just caught this very interesting matrimonial advertisement on a news site. 

Singur Girl

Marry Well Settled Singur Girl Register Free! Search, Chat & Marry

Haha. What next? Marry Well Settled SEZ-Proposed-in-2020-but-farmers-agitating-already Girl? [Sorry if that sounds sexist!]

Suddenly places of discontent and protests are becoming attractive destinations for “Alliance-Seekers”. Now what could be the reason for that? I racked my brains for what could be the top five reasons!

• The to-be-bride was featured in numerous news videos, effectively making her a small screen star
  
• The Alliance-Seeker has ambitions in Politics
  
• The Alliance-Seeker is a die hard fan of Mamata ‘Bandh’-opadhyay, Arundhati Roy and the likes
  
• Marketing managers at the matrimonial site have taken market segmentation a little too seriously
  
• The Alliance-Seeker would either get a hefty compensation or an assured job
  

Maybe.

Fart 'em up!

Michael I-want-to-be-Tarantino Davis has directed this horrendous video called 'Shoot ‘em up'. For obvious reasons I choose not to put this in the ‘movies’ category. A mish-mash of “Tarantino-like-violence”, “Scharzenegger-trademarked-one-liners” and “Mithunda-special-outlandish-stunts” is what this is.

Haha. The movie starts with Clive Owen being at the wrong place at the wrong time. (What else is new?) And attempts to save a pregnant woman from an army of blind toughies complete with fake ponytails and shiny, black leatherite jackets. Blind because they couldn’t hit the ground from the roof of a barn, if they wanted to. Which is why they needed an army to kill a pregnant woman in the first place. Clive Owen then fights the baddies (What else is new?) and dispatches them to their maker with the ease of an ATM machine counting bills. And delivering a baby while doing all of this! That’s where he becomes better than an ATM machine. (So this is new!). And then he tops all of this with a cheesy one-liner. You are officially doomed.

The movie has more such new concepts and more such one-liners. (More than you can stand!) It also has a gun-fight … hold your breath … while falling from an airplane. Plain old creative-load-shedding is what I would call it. There is also a scene where Clive Owen is involved in a head on collision between his car and a van full of blind thugs. He flies through the windscreens and lands in the van and kills the thugs like the ATM Machine … you get it.

There is also Monica Bellucci in this movie with an accent that’s heavier than the ATM Machine. (Am I overdoing this ATM Machine thingy?) Other things of note in this video are that Clive Owen chomps on carrots much like Bugs Bunny did. Adding a much needed comic relief. He even uses a carrot to give a thug a cerebral hemorrhage. And if that did not kill him, the one-liner that came next must have. “Have a Carrot” it seems!

I also found Clive Owen to bear a striking resemblance to another beacon of acting talent from Bollywood. Krishen Kumar. Here are the pictures for you to compare! Overall the video is as boring as a ... constitution. (Were you thinking ATM Machine?) Avoid at all costs.