Monday, October 20, 2008

Karzzzz - The nose job!

Major spoiler warning! 

Picture this. The Jurassic era - Dinosaurs lumbering around in a manicured clearing with towering Alpine mountains in the background. Nice sunny day with only a couple of T-Rex attacks predicted. Of the many dinosaur species – The Lambeosaurs evolve a bizarre nasal headgear to make mating calls. This tends to happen if you don’t have mobile networks. 

Cut to the 20th century. Himesh Reshammiya (HR) is born in a movie called ‘Karzzzz’. And because of a government experiment gone haywire, he is grafted with genes from the Lambeosaurs, thus giving him a nuclear-powered nasal cavity. 

The movie starts with a Botox-injected Urmila planning to kill her husband, Dino-saur Moreo. Things go well (Not so well for Dino-saur Moreo though!) and Dino-saur Moreo is promptly dispatched to his maker. His sprawling estate passes onto Urmila and Sir Juda (More about him later). 

Cut to 25 years later. The great HR nose-dives his way to the top of the Rockdom. Indian women are swooning in large numbers at his concert in Cape Town. Apparently dinosaur mating calls have that effect. But all the nasal screeching has an unwelcome side-effect on HR. The potent sonic-waves re-boot his brain with Dino-saur Moreo’s memory. He starts to recall how the Botox overdose … err Urmila, poisoned Dino-saur’s life. 

HR has also, in the meantime, secured the liposucked Shweta Kumar’s affections. He then travels with her to Kenya to attend to his calling. No not that! His black-and-white flashbacks to Dino-saur Moreo’s extinction event. 

The scheming HR and his dino-sized sinus cavity woos the older Urmila with a series of nasal shrieks. (Read: Songs!) Urmila is no match for such powerful mating calls and black-and-white flashbacks. She falls prey, thinking HR to be a re-incarnated stalker. However, HR has worse in store for her. He reveals her evil plans to the world at a concert. 

Sir Juda, who had his arm eaten off by dinosaurs in the past, had gotten himself a Casio synthesizer for a prosthetic limb. He could now make sounds which only his evil henchmen could interpret. So armed with a synthesizer and a couple of ill-fated, half-baked evil plans he takes on the great HR. 

In this historic fight between a genetically modified HR and evil, HR attempts to subdue the Botox-powered Urmila by offering himself up for target practice. Gleefully, Urmila takes full advantage. But while HR is being converted into a human-dinosaur-hybrid-sieve plate, the 25-year-old Botox causes Urmila to freeze and lose control of her aircraft. She plunges to her death. 

Sir Juda armed with a good arm and a Casio synthesizer does not last long. No match. Although HR has sunlight filtering through him, he lives to sing another day.

Thus ends the worst nose-job in Bollywood’s history. Unlike that of Shilpa Shetty, this nose-job will have no positive impact on HR’s career.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


The enormous strides made by the Telecom Industry in India in the last 20 years are phenomenal to say the least. We need to applaud the industry on having become truly global and competitive today. Here is a “Before” and “After” comparison of what it was in 1988 and today


  • You would get an irritating “Beep-Beep” or the engaged tone when you tried calling a number. 
  • You would need to shout at the top of your voice, making a conversation difficult. 
  • You would get disconnected once in a while.
  • You could build your biceps lifting those heavy ebonite handsets. Your fingers could drill holes in trains, like Mithunda, from all the heavy dialing.
  • Customer support was some guy taking 5 hour lunch breaks in a local telephone exchange. The security guard would inform you that “Saab abhi lunch pe hain”. [Sir is on his lunch now!]
  • You would need to wait 30 minutes to see someone in the local telephone exchange for your complaints.


  • Now you get a prompt message on your mobile screen saying “Network Busy” 
  • Now your voice breaks making conversations really spicy. “Hello, how are you?” goes like “Hell … ow … ae … ou”. Films like “One Missed Call” showcases the virtues of such calls. 
  • Now almost all your calls get dropped, but thanks to speed dialing your problems have a workaround. 
  • You now have a wireless handset that keeps your ears hot and sweaty and helps your brain produce lots of abnormal nerve cells, thus improving your IQ. 
  • Customer support now is a guy armed with a headset and a computer system that takes 5 hour lunch breaks. They now politely inform you that their “System is down”. 
  • Now you get to hear “All our executives are busy attending to calls” followed by music-that-can-trigger-epileptic-seizures during your 30 minute wait.

This kind of progress is unprecedented and unanticipated. We have come many a mile since the bribe-happy-friendly-neighborhood linesman. We have truly entered an era of tele-topia.