Bleeding-edge Politics!

We here at the Morning Haha know that our attempts at humor bring tears to even the most hardened of war-criminals. Nevertheless, we do believe that it is the ‘attempt’ that matters. Success still eludes us, but we keep trying. Maybe, a change in strategy is what we need.

A change in strategy is exactly what helped Mamata Banerjee achieve her objectives. Tears are the nuclear weapon of human emotions. As Mr. Pranab Mukherjee (and men from around the world, including the Arctic) will most definitely attest to, the moment the mushroom cloud of tears erupts, logic, rationality, good-and-bad, right-and-wrong are the first victims to be decimated. Resources, history, precedence and planning die of radiation fallout. Eventually a nuclear winter sets in.

These bleeding-edge techniques have usually been confined to the domestic scene. This is probably the first time in recent history that this weapon has been deployed in the political landscape.

Our political pundits agree that this may soon become a weapon of choice for the politically inclined. We predict that we will soon see tears being employed in courts, parliaments, TV studios (Wait! We already have that!), processions and legislative assemblies. This is just the beginning. Sobb Sobb.

Not an Intelligence failure … they said!

“The Pune blast was not the result of any intelligence failure but an 'insidious' planting of a bomb in a 'soft' target establishment, Union Home Minister P Chidambaram said.”

Whoa, not so fast Eddie!

If this is not a failure, I shudder to think what would an actual intelligence failure be.

Maybe we are being too hard on the old guy. Maybe this was a success after all. Maybe they alerted the local authorities a couple of days in advance. Nope that did not happen. Maybe they asked prime targets in Pune to be on the alert. That did not happen either.

Maybe they did warn the old, respected home minister in time for him to take cover under his desk, in New Delhi. Probable.

For the benefit of those who are linguistically challenged, like yours truly, ‘insidious’ means ‘beguiling’, ‘treacherous’ and ‘producing serious harm’. This proves that the home ministry is hard at work to come up with (not plans to counter terror attacks) better worded statements post the mayhem.

We need to give credit where it is due. And it is definitively due here. We were not dished out the stale “I salute the indomitable spirit of the people of City X”. This is a bigger relief than you think, by the way!

Yet another IIT graduate lay dead, while our intelligence agencies celebrated their ‘success’ with the home ministry. Yet another terror attack, while ‘Aman ki Asha’ continues to spread ‘Asha’ through its song, dance and fart sessions!

Reality TV to the rescue?

Elections. Dance of Democracy. A nation gets ready to vote its next set of rulers. But can we take democracy to the next level? Can we marry democracy to the virtues of capitalism? I will wait for you to get back onto your chair.

How about having a reality show which allows the nation to vote for one Lok Sabha seat from each state (For starters!)? And no this won’t be a song and dance routine though I know many of you would have liked it. We could have an elite panel of judges comprising of former presidents, prime ministers, law makers, leaders, academics and intellectuals choosing the best of candidates applying from a state.

Channels would be asked to bid for hosting the entire show and in return get broadcast rights and advertising revenues. It could even be called “Dance of Democracy” or “Indian Neta” … nah too corny. I would like it to be hosted by Arun Jaitley or Kapil Sibal (unless they are contestants too!). This could even help recover some of the gargantuan expenses we have every time we have an election.

The process could be rigorous. Contestants would have to present their views on Development, Infrastructure, Economy, Human Rights and Security in the ‘Speech-contest’ section. There could be debates on rural upliftment, fiscal deficit, exports … Boy there could be a lot. Leaders would have to tell the nation how they want to take their state and nation forward. Negative marks will be given for “Promises”!

Voting could be on the basis of judges’ marks and SMSes in true reality TV fashion. To vote for Mr. G K Knowledge please send a sms ‘VOTE 3645’ to 123321. We could even throw in a couple of Judge-tantrums and glycerin-tears to jack up the TRPs. A TV show like this would pull viewership from the neighboring planets!

But apart from the TV bosses building Scrooge McDuck vaults, it would probably be a true democratic election with the entire state choosing their favorite candidate from amongst the millions. Much better than the current process where you get to choose between Mr. Jailed Swamy and Mr. Mafia Sarkar.

Think about it. Maybe 50 years down the line this is how elections will be fought. Am I a visionary or what?

Arrests not mandatory now! – What, come again?

Criminals rejoice! This is the Government of India’s new-year gift to the world of outlaws! No longer are arrests mandatory for crimes that that have a maximum penalty of 7 years or less. Now this is stupendous! In the wake of 26/11 I was under the impression that laws would be tightened! Link. 

Haha. Double Haha! Quoting Harry from the movie “Dumb and Dumber”: “Just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself!” 

This was after Llyod exchanges their van, modified to look like a sheep-dog, with a juvenile scooter. Well the GoI has done something just as brilliant and redeemed themselves! 

With this solar-system changing law in place, police chases just became obsolete. (Movies will now be a whole lot more boring!) Now the criminals don’t need to run after committing a crime! They can flag an auto, say tata-bye-bye police uncle, take care, and go and relax at home. Crime is after all a stressful profession. 

I can visualize the following crime scene now … 

Pappu-pager, strolling out of a local bank after robbing it of a couple of lakhs. 2 police jeeps from World War II skid to a stop right next to him. A young dashing, pot bellied inspector, jumps out. 

Inspector Dayaram: “Police ne building to charo taraf se gher liya hai, Aapne aap ko kanoon ke hawale kar do. Apne hathiyaar phenk do!" 

Pappu-pager: “Hathiyaar?” (Throws down his pager) 

Inspector Dayaram (voice trembling): “Ruko, nahi to main goli chala dunga” 

Pappu-pager: “Haan haan ok, ruk jata hoon, tension maat lo. Kya hai? Kaiko khali pili ka hungama karta hai?” 

Inspector Dayaram: “Main tumko Dafa 393 (Robbery) ke tahet geraaftaar karta hoon” 

Pappu-pager (Picking up his pager): “Abbe bina internet ke PC, woh din gaye, chaal mere liye auto bula!” 

Havildaar Bhonduram whispering to Inspector Dayaram: “Saar, abhi abhi naya kanoon aya hai. Bole to ekdum latest. Geraftaar nahi kar sakte. ‘Notice of Appearance’ issue kijiye saarji” 

Inspector Dayaram: “Haan kya? Pappu – yeh lo tumhara ‘Notice of Appearance’. Thank you.” 

Pappu-pager: “Ok, ok, agli baar galti maat karma. Chal, chal auto bula” 

Inspector Dayaram: “Haan saar” Shouts to a nearby auto driver: “Aae auto, Chembur chalega kya?” 

Next Post: Top 5 reasons why this law was put in place! 

PS: Happy New Year!

Are we done yet?

New and improved terrorism is unleashed on India. 

Pranab Mukherjee and the honorable Dr. Manmohan have put their stern looks on. And looked equally uncomfortable doing so. But thankfully I found no mention of the Jurassic, almost laughable, ‘100 day’ plan to combat terrorism that the PM had talked about earlier this month. Maybe the PM needs a 1 day plan now. Then came the statement from Pranab Mukherjee blaming elements within Pakistan for the attacks. The western media has called this a knee-jerk reaction to the terror attacks. And they always know ‘better’. Bull turd. Popular media and Blogosphere have also taken the oft-trodden path of Pakistan bashing.

I for one, do not deny that there are Pakistan connections. But blaming the state of Pakistan, like in the past, takes away the prerogative from us. How about this time we look inwards?

Let me make this point clear first. 

The difference between the terror elements and the state of Pakistan: Unlike the impression that the media will give you, these are 2 distinct entities. And now it is apparent that there is not much of a link between the 2 either. The politicians and the media has called negotiating with Pakistan, is like negotiating with a gun to your head. Now why should this be so? I find this imaginary ‘gun’ to be as potent as an imaginary gun. 

It is time that we stop Pakistan bashing. We cannot depend on the frail state of Pakistan to reign in the terror elements that they had created. These terror outfits now have enough funding, following and know-how to operate on their own, independent of the state machinery. They have become an industry now. The state of Pakistan does not have the political will or the incentive to wipe this industry out. 

Given this condition, what can India do now? 

While the commandos and the police have a done a stellar job in containing this situation, the intelligence and coast guard and failed miserably to pre-empt this. Intelligence at 2 levels failed. 

#1: Gathering any and every information about the next target of the terrorists and their plans. Make no mistake, the information is available. The information can be gathered and was in all probability gathered. But it did not filter up through the heavy layers of bureaucracy. 

#2: Post the terror attacks, intelligence failed to support the operations on the ground with information about the attackers, the kind of weapons and the ammunition they have, there was no surveillance equipment, no infra-red scanners, no ground support for the brave commandos. 

This is the area that needs to be rectified. No longer will the ageing, pot-bellied bureaucrats and administrators who have slept through the internet revolution, be able to discharge this duty. We need a corporate set up, with younger dedicated, tech-savvy people who are paid market rates coupled with access to the latest technology, to address the intelligence issue. We need better intel.

I will be much happier if this is the direction that the country leadership chooses rather than choosing to close all avenues for co-operation with the state of Pakistan. 

Déjà vu Déjà vu

My last post on the subject of terror attacks and how the 'stakeholders' have addressed it is still fresh in my mind. I cannot bring myself to do a rerun of the same thing. In fact you will find the post a few scrolls down.

I am sincerely eager to see if the GoI does something this time around, or will they slide into the ‘election-stupor’ mode. Not that they have been in much of an active mode the last few years. What amazes me is the fact that the perpetrators can do it with such ease. They are not only striking at will, but the way they are able to cover their tracks is brilliant.

This cartoon is no longer funny. Credits: .pOINT_bLANK - Vikram Nandwani

PS: Word of advice, keep your wireless networks secure. 

Deja Vu!

It’s barely been a few hours since the rubble has settled on the bomb blasts in the country. The ‘impact crater’ extends far beyond the blast radius. People are still fearful of leaving their homes in all cities across the country. Life is limping back to normalcy. TV news channels have gone into a feeding frenzy mode for snippets of information.

Amidst all this, I found certain very pertinent viewpoints of stakeholders. (Not the common man – He isn’t a stakeholder – He is a victim) This is what they ‘said’:

Spokesperson of Opposition Party: “We have been telling the government time and again that the lack of security is a major issue. But it fell on deaf ears. We have suggested setting up a central agency to tackle this problem since the co-ordination between state governments is not adequate to control this menace. But the government has failed to act!”

Spokesperson of Ruling Party: “I find Mr. Opposition Spokesperson’s political mud-slinging at this delicate juncture to be inappropriate. We need an all-party task force to discuss how we can pre-empt terrorism. The aim should be to pre-empt terror strikes and not setting up agencies and laws. This requires considerable deliberation. We are open to options but we need co-operation from all parties.”

Spokesperson of Law Enforcement: “We have had considerable success in the past while cracking such cases. We have convictions in all of the cases that have happened in the recent past. We have been successful in dealing with this.”

Leader of Democracy: “I commend the people of this state for the resilience they have shown. These terrorist acts are aimed at destroying our social fabric, undermining communal harmony and demoralising our people.”

Haha. What they really meant to say is (Not that this was not all that apparent!)

 

Spokesperson of Opposition Party: “Boy, thanks for giving us this. Major blunder! We are going to make this our election agenda in the upcoming state and Lok Sabha elections. You thought you outsmarted us with the nuclear deal, now take this! Bye bye ruling party!”

Spokesperson of Ruling Party: “Ooops, when did they sneak this one in? Useless law enforcement and intelligence agencies! Let’s try and put this one on the opposition party! And with just one year left in my term I will let them take the first step towards a central agency. Oh no, I am not stepping into that ‘central agency’ trap. We will see who has the last laugh!”

Spokesperson of Law Enforcement: “Let’s focus on our past and try and wriggle out of this one. We have a steady supply of small fish, scapegoats and purse-snatchers to appropriate blame to. Then we can again focus on our ‘successes’. Anything else might be risky for my lifestyle habits! Oh, I need to look-up the meaning of ‘pre-empt’ someday.”

Leader of Democracy: “Yeah you guys are tough to put up with this. Compensation still works out to be cheaper for me. A central agency is mighty costly. Oh and remember that terrorist acts are aimed at destroying our social fabric, blah blah …”

We have to fight this out ourselves! 

A tale of Oil, Hypocrisy and Activism

With global oil prices reaching all time highs, fuelled by increasing demand from developing economies, a hike in the price of oil was inevitable. The official line was that the oil companies need to be back in the black. After all, a loss making oil PSU could destabilize the country’s economy.

Haha, All of a sudden the government is concerned about loss-making oil companies, when for a greater part of their existence they made losses out of the most lucrative business in the world. Let’s leave the oil PSU’s inefficiency and Jurassic technology out of the discussion. Let’s examine the Tax Structure of Oil. The taxes imposed on Oil are

1. Customs duty on Crude oil imports ~ 5%
2. Excise duty
3. VAT ~25% (Which was supposed to have replaced the existing taxes!)
4. State sales tax
   

All of these taxes contribute heavily to the government’s coffer. And some of it makes its way back to the oil companies in the form of oil bonds and subsidies. Rest goes towards black-cat commandoes and armor-plated Ambassadors. So with the ever increasing crude prices the government stands to collect a bigger and bigger chunk of tax revenues. Of the Rs 5 increase in prices of petrol, Rs 1.5 goes to the government of India. Makes you think about what we are paying for.

In connection to this price hike, a ‘pro-people’ party chose to call a ‘bandh’ in West Bengal in protest against their own administered price-hike. (They are part of the ruling Alliance!). And of course these ‘bandhs’ are for the common people to suffer. So when a minister in the West Bengal government, got stranded on a Train, he promptly arranged for his own transport to Kolkata. Car, police escort - the usual.

However, irate passengers on the train stopped the minister from doing what he does best – fleeing the scene. The argument being that the government who called this ‘bandh’ should get to know how helpless it feels. Though I wonder if they are really alien to day-long sessions of inactivity.

However, the impromptu political activism is definitely something to cheer about! It was poetry in protest!

Our National Anthem?

This weekend, my wife and I headed over to the latest 'blockbuster' release Jannat. We were watching it at Gold Adlabs in Kalyaninagar, Pune. The movie was packaged trash. There was promise but it under-delivered.

However that is not what I am writing about. Just before the movie started, Gold Adlabs asks everyone in the auditorium to stand up for the national anthem. We did too. What played was our national anthem only as far as the lyrics were concerned. The tune was changed from a rousing, pride-instilling one to one that was right out of a Jagjit Singh gazal. I have all the respect for the great AR Rehman but tinkering with the tune of the national anthem is not justified.

We have a code of honor for the Flag. No disrespect is allowed in any form. Specially if it is used as a garment. Rightly so. I think there should be a similar code of honor for the national anthem. The code should disallow any modification to the original tune. This is akin to having a Jana Gana Mana remix. I strongly object.

Why stop at the national anthem? It should extend to the national song, game, animal, bird, and monument too. On my part, I have sent an email to Adlabs on this issue. Let's see if there is any response from them.

16 People = Rs 140

The gruesome accident on the Mumbai-Pune express-way in the early hours of Sunday that claimed 16 lives, has highlighted several glitches in the system. This accident struck a special chord with me because I drive down to Mumbai from Pune as often as 2 times a month.

The official story is that a tempo traveler filled to the brim (and some more) with 19 people was traveling at 130 kmph along the highway when the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Blame has thus been attributed to the overworked driver. Simple, case-closed.

Haha! Balderdash! Firstly, a tempo traveler cannot travel at 130 kmph with 19 people stuffed in it. The indicator being stuck at 130 does not prove for once it was traveling at 130 kmph. I find the authorities at fault on 2 counts.

Count#1: The Tempo traveler stuffed with 19 people should not have been allowed onto the highway for safety concerns. It should have been turned back at the toll booth. Over loaded vehicles risk not only themselves but others on the route as well. The authorities chose to collect the Rs 140 as toll over the safety concerns of 19 people.

Count #2: The trailer with no reflectors (and maybe even a defunct tail lamp) should not have been allowed onto the e-way either. Another example where the authorities chose to grab Rs 750 without heed for 16 human lives.

I have seen numerous examples of trucks and heavy vehicles plying down the e-way without any functional tail lamps or reflectors. In the dark, you cannot see them unless you have a good pair of headlights on your car. To make matters worse these trucks will often venture into the innermost lane for the fun of it.

There can be no excuse for lack of policing. Putting up cameras along a piddly 98 km stretch is nothing. Hiring someone to monitor the cameras will take another piddly nothing. Fines from trucks which venture into the lanes not meant for them, or traveling without tail lamps and reflectors will surely pay for the expenses.